Running Away

    Almost four months have passed since my last post and I can say with confidence that I am glad I have not written a thing. I've composed several letters to my God in a notebook that I keep, but I've found nothing that I could share with you that would retain any sort of substantial worth. Nevertheless, God works in marvelous ways, as He always does, and opened up His Word to me fully and completely this morning.
     Upon recently listening to a sermon about forgiveness, taught out of the Book of Philemon, I made the decision to study the book for myself, verse by verse. For those who don't know, this letter was written by Paul while he was imprisoned, and it was addressed to a man by the name of Philemon. A former slave of Philemon, who went by the name of Onesimus, stole money and ran away from his master to Rome where he could disappear into the Imperial capital's non-descriptive slave population. He went on to meet the apostle Paul in Rome where he (Onesimus) later became a christian. In short, this letter was written lovingly by Paul to Philemon, telling him of how Onesimus had changed his wicked ways and asked him to take back Onesimus not as a slave, but more than that. Paul asked Philemon to take him back as a beloved brother that they might minister together, side by side. (Philemon 1:16)
     While I read this story I was consistently reminded of my relationship with myself and with God. I'm not fearful to admit that I have messed up, and that I continue to let down the people that I love on a daily basis. I've stolen things from people which cut deeper than merely taking physical possessions. I've robbed people of their joy, and abandoned them while they had resentment harboring in their hearts. Upon several other wretched acts, I've robbed people of seeing what a true and honest example of what a follower of Christ should look like. Instead, I've cloaked the world around me and used it to define who I was when things became difficult. Inadvertently I ran away from the One who sanctifies me daily so that I myself could attempt to deal with my own troubled spirit. Fortunately, my one true master who knows far better than I lives within me and never fails to call me back home to Him.
     Paul wrote this to Philemon on Onesimus' behalf, "If then you regard me a partner, accept him (Onesimus) as you would me. But if he has wronged you in any way or owes you anything, charge that to my account." (Philemon 1:17 &18)
     In this passage, Paul offered to pay whatever was necessary for Onesimus to be reconciled to Philemon once again. Paul was simply following the example of Christ and how He reconciled sinners to The Lord. To know that Christ has written on my behalf to The Lord so that I may be reconciled unto Him, The King of Kings, makes me desire to become more like Christ.
     One last point and then I'll finish. In the 15th verse of Philemon, Paul states, "For perhaps he (Onesimus) was for this reason separated from you (Philemon) for a while, that you would have him back forever."
     In this verse, Paul suggests that God providentially ordered the overturning of Onesimus' running away to produce eventual good. I always have and always will believe that everything happens for a greater purpose. God will place tests in our lives not to tempt us, (for God cannot tempt) but to strengthen the quality of our faith and demonstrate its validity. (James 1:2-12) When life seems difficult, or impossible to handle, it shouldn't drag us down with it. Instead, we need to see every hardship as a blessing, and reinforce our faith and strengthen our walk with The Lord. You can't do this by running away to a place where you can disappear into the blend of the world. We validate our faith in God by running to Him in our darkest hour; despite how bleak the circumstances may be, or how embarrassing it is to run to Him who knows all things. Oddly enough, there is nothing more satisfying than breaking in the arms of God and knowing that He will, piece by piece, put you back together even more complete than you were before.
   
As always, go serve your King!
Billie Jean
 

   

The Tapestry

Dear Reader,

          It's been some time since we last talked. Things have changed in ways that I haven't exactly shared with you just yet. You see, when we last spoke I was anticipating the big move into a brand new life. A life that was filled with expectations and deadlines looming over my perplexed mind. Well, the time has come now where I'm almost done with my second month of college, and things have changed so much so from the year before that it often feels as though I'm leading a completely different life.
          Since the big move, which will be one year ago in April, every aspect of my life has been flipped upside down. I went from living in the green hills of North Carolina, to the rocky red canyons and arid deserts of Arizona. But don't get me wrong, the west is in no way lacking beauty. With every desert sunset comes an aesthetic moment of chromatic bewilderment. Much like these grand displays of nature, these fleeting moments of a dream-like state have found their way into my every day life. It's the drive back home where the lights blur past my window, or sitting on the edge of a bridge that overlooks the lake that makes my time here on earth rich and worthwhile.
          Sure, things have changed for me, big things. I've lost a lot people in the past year, but I've also gained wisdom and life experience through those circumstances. I've learned how to free myself from the stress of every day life, and how to live life to it's fullest potential. Sometimes it's hard to believe that God has placed each person, each situation, and each discouragement in my life for a reason. This is because right now I can only see a thread in the tapestry that is the big picture. Meaning that where we are right now, in this point of time, is being woven into something bigger.
          I guess that what I'm trying to get across is that wherever you may be right now, whether it's at home alone, or in college surrounded by a bunch of hormonal teenagers trying to find themselves, you're there for a specific purpose that only you can fulfill. You can't change what's happening to you, but you can most definitely change how you react to it. Always remember that perspective is everything, and that no matter what, God will help you through whatever storm you may be facing. Sometimes it can be difficult, but just keep in mind that the future is no place to plan your better days. Make today count.

Sincerely Yours,
Billie Jean

To 2014

     It's difficult to look back on years that have passed and see the person that I used to be. Often times I will recall the warm summer nights that I would spend in North Carolina on my porch. I would sit there and watch silently as the electrical storms pierced the air with their subtle lightning beams. Much like the rapid fire of those nights, thoughts of my future would come and go as they wished, knowing no limits as to the direction in which they would follow. At that time I was certain of two things. The first was that I had absolutely no plans, and the second was that I wanted to be inexplicably happy.
     Fast forward a couple years into the future, and I'm no longer in North Carolina. Instead, I'm in the passenger seat of a U-haul truck traveling down the dusty roads of New Mexico. I'm happy that I didn't know what 2013 was going to hold for me. The thing about knowing the future is that you often question it when you need to let it be. What I love about not knowing the answers to specific situations at the time that they occur, is that you're forced to work through them. Although it may not be enjoyable during that point in time, it is the very journey, the act of losing yourself to solving the problem, that makes you all the richer. So yes, I'm happy that I only had a slight clue that my life was about to change.
     Moving to Arizona gave me the chance to reinvent myself and no longer have to dream about the type of person that I wanted to be, but actually be it. The repercussions to starting a new life in the west were slightly bitter at first, but as time progressed, so did my story. I began to meet people who showed me a view of the world that I had always envied. Through them I was taught to be intentional in my relationships with others and how to live my life one day at a time. Through various people I was encouraged to become closer to God, which I did. In this specific time, things really began to pick up. My reignited relationship with Christ lead me to landing a job that I loved, solidifying friendships that I had never imagined possible, and experiencing His abounding love through the wonders of His creation.
     It's funny how right when things seem to be going so well, God throws a wrench in your path. Although these things seemed to put a bad taste in my mouth, I ended up learning a lot about who I was through them. Today, on the second day of 2014, I look back on the adventures that I was lucky enough to experience, and the lessons that I was so mercifully taught. I realize now that they're only a couple of the many instances that made 2013 the best year of my life so far. So here's to the unknown, the moments that have not yet been made, and the friends that I still haven't met. Here's to the new year.

Summer Recap

     Growing up my siblings would always talk about crazy things that they would do with their friends when they were younger. It never mattered how long ago that the events took place. All that mattered is that they happened and they made such an impact on my siblings that to this day they have not forgotten those stories. I guess you could say that I was always jealous of them, of the memories that they held in their mind which could be replayed over and over again at any given moment. By the time that I was a senior I accepted that nothing that great would ever happen to me. I was convinced that I was going to be stuck in the same empty house with no memories to hang up on the wall. But then out of the blue, this summer came around the corner.

        I guess it all started on the car ride to Wednesday night for the first time. I turned off the radio and silently prayed to God that I would meet some friends who were irrevocably in love with Christ. It's funny how the Lord answers prayers, because that night I met four of my best friends: Amethyst, David, Dacie and Remington. I could go on for pages about why and how each one of these people mean so much to me. But the list of friends that God has blessed me with this summer does not stop there. Throughout these hot months I've come to know some of, if not the best people I've ever met. Each one an open book from which I've learned a little something about life from. So here are six things I've learned from others this summer that have undoubtedly changed my life.

1. Don't Be Afraid To Tell People You Love Them.

     One night my friends and I were all saying goodbye to each other when Remi told everyone individually that she loved them, including myself. I hadn't known Remington that long, so this made me think. I came to the conclusion that everyone deserves to be told that they're loved. Everybody should know that there is someone out there who genuinely does care about their well being. You never know how long a person will remain in your life, so you might as well make them feel important. 

2. Be Genuine.

     David and I talked about this one quite often, and honestly I learned more from our conversations this summer than I had from any class that I'd taken in the past years of my life. The ability to be genuine with other people, even those who you have just met, opens so many doors. Being raw and real not only with your peers, but with yourself allows you to see the world in a completely different light. It lets you evaluate who you really are and gives you the chance to clean out all of those skeletons  that you've locked in your closet. The cool thing about this one though, is that once you're honest with yourself, you can be honest with the Lord, and that alone can refresh and rejuvenate your walk with Christ.

3. Be Spontaneous. 

     Dacie, David and I's last second trip to the Grand Canyon really solidified this one for me. Along with setting off multiple dry ice bombs off in public, getting up early to watch the sunrise, TP'ing people's houses, climbing on top of Starbucks, hiding from cops, and getting on top of the roof to look at the stars. The more spontaneous we were, the more my boredom seemed to disappear. Before I knew it, my days of being bored were over. I became more and more happy to the point where I could wake up with the world completely against me, and still have a grin across my face just thinking about the night before. 

4. People Are Always Watching.

     It may not seem like it, but there is always someone watching how you act. I had to learn this the hard way when I hung out with one of my friends named Jason after church this summer. He brought a couple of things to my attention that I'd never really thought to be important before. There are few people that I have respect for, and this kid is definitely one of them. Whether or not he knows it, he's helped refine me for the better, and reminded me that as a Christian I'm still setting an example for those around me. This whole experience has made me realize just how blessed I am to be friends with such great people.

5. Never Deem Your Dreams As Unattainable.

     I used to have this image in my mind as a young kid that I was going to go to New Zealand. But whenever I brought it up to someone else, they would never believe me that I would go. I gave up on that dream until this summer. Now I have about 1/4 of the money saved up that I need for the trip. Rekindling this old dream has forced me to reevaluate my priorities and understand that even after all of these years, my dream is still attainable. 

6. Be Positive.

     Recently, there have been some difficult decisions and tremendous amounts of stressed placed on my shoulders. At first I was so confused and had no idea how to handle even the slightest of the situations at hand. It wasn't until I read Proverbs 3:5-8, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones." that I really started to understand where Christ was leading me.. Towards Him. Everything that I had been going through, all of the pain that I had endured that week was for a reason. I believe that reason was to confide in Christ. By not only realizing that I needed to be closer to Christ, but actually pursuing a positive attitude, I was able to smile in the midst of the storm. 

     So in a nutshell, I have learned that every day is a new adventure filled with chances to show people that they're important and to have a good attitude while doing just that. This summer, has legitimately been the best of my life so far. I owe it all to Christ and the friends He has so generously blessed me with. I now have those memories in my mind that I will never cease to remember when I'm older. For that reason alone, I have an unending gratitude to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Because of Him, my life has been enriched in ways that I had never thought possible. 

     

Whom Shall I Fear?

     Hey guys! So it's definitely been a while since I last posted something. Lately I've been so busy with moving and trying to make a new life here in Arizona that I almost forgot about how much I love to sit down and write with a cup of green tea in my hand. :) I've never been so happy to have graduated high school and have a general idea of what I want to do. Most times when I tell people that I don't have a perfectly clear plan for the future, they usually look at me as if I'm already living in a cardboard box on the side of the street. I may not be going to college this year, but I have been striving to dig into God's word and let Him lead me in the direction that He wills.
     It wasn't until recently that I realized that all of the pressures of going to college shouldn't impact the way that I live my life. Because I am my biggest critic, I've decided that it's time to clean out the person who I used to be and start over. But the one thing that I plan on doing is investing my time and efforts in fellowship with the Lord, and friends who can help me grow into the person that Christ has destined me to be.
     I guess the question is, "where do I go from here?" The answer? Well, that's the beauty of it. I can go anywhere! I've always been a dreamer and because of that I honestly do believe that anything could happen. All I want is to be able to grow old and tell my grand kids true stories that they wouldn't believe. Whether those stories include a grand adventure across the world or how Christ helped me to endure the hardships of life, I want them to be able to know that they as well, can do or be anything with the Lord by their side. I think that passing on that kind of hope to a younger generation would be the greatest of all. The only problem is that nowadays more and more people struggle to hold or even start a relationship with the Lord. From what I've seen, people think that God is unfair, unjust, or unloving. In my bible study this morning I saw something that I would like to share.
     In Josh McDowell's book, 'Jesus: Dead or Alive?' He said this about the question of "Why can't God just forget that we sin and save us anyway?",

     "What if a judge failed to administer justice in his court? What if someone keyed your brand new car? Now, imagine a judge, when hearing the case, decided to let the guilty party go free because he wanted to act lovingly... Naturally you would cry out for justice. Letting the vandal off would trivialize the crime and ignore the fact that justice must be done. What kind of world would we live in if every judge chose to "act lovingly and kindly" and forgive crimes instead of administering justice? It would be a great deal worse than the world where we live today."

     He goes on to say that God is the judge of the universe, the ultimate moral authority (see Genesis 18:25). Most people ask why bad things happen to good people. The real question is, why do good things happen to bad people? If God didn't want you to wake up this morning, you wouldn't have. But by His grace, and His alone, you did. Every one of us have rejected Christ to His face, but very few of us have asked for His forgiveness.
     So this year, my goal is to walk where God is leading me. After all if anyone has my best interest in mind, it's the one who knows my strengths and weaknesses inside and out. All that's left for me to do, is sit back, dig into God's written word, let go of my pride, and let Him take control. :)

   
   
   

Chapter Two

     I was three years old when I went to Sea World with my family. There are only two things that I remember about that day. The first thing I remember is how ridiculous my face was on the picture from one of my very first roller coaster rides. The second thing was when we went to go see Free Willy. It was without a doubt my favorite part of the day. Watching that gigantic whale jump in and out of the water and splashing those in the crowd, made me want to body slam into the pool. For obvious reasons, I couldn't do what I wanted to do the most that day; go swimming with Willy. As cliché as it sounds, I felt like a fish out of water.
     Nowadays I don't dream of going swimming with giant animals. Honestly, it would scare the heck out of me. But I do however still feel as though I'm on the outside looking in to what I want; always watching my dreams but never reaching for them. Thoughts of self doubt seem to never leave me alone. All that I hear my thoughts say is, "You're not good enough. You'll never be able to do that. You're nobody special." But the thing that self doubt doesn't understand is that no one was good enough. No one imagined that they'd one day be living the way that they are now. Everyone believed that at one time, they weren't special. But everybody starts somewhere. Every professional was once a beginner, even Willy.
     I often have people ask me the question, "What are you planning to do with your future?" My first reaction to this is always that it's such a strange question to ask someone. How do you plan for the future? I mean... I thought that God had that under control. I'm only eighteen years old, and I still feel like I'm that awkward thirteen year old girl who walked into a private school for the first time. But over the years, I've learned that the only difference between then and now is that I no longer feel that I need to satisfy those around me. In fact, I've finally reached the time in my life where I'm focusing on what would make The Lord proud. And let me tell you, I don't need a college diploma to get into heaven. Or any diploma for that matter.
     So, from now on, I'm going to do what I truly love.  And yeah, I might not be considered "successful" or "rich", but at least I'll have fun with what I do. One of my favorite quotes is, "If you love your job, you'll never work a day in your life." Starting right now, instead of watching Free Willy have all of the fun, I'm going to dive head first into the tank with him. Yes, I might get eaten, but if I survive, I'll get to say that I lived out my dream. And how many people can say that?
                                                              PS. I love this song.

Chapter One

     Starting February 4th of this year, I'll be packing my bags and heading towards the next chapter of my life. It's strange to think about how fast that life goes by. It feels like just the other day I was playing toy soldiers outside Grandma's house with my brother. I remember when I used to climb the tree next to her cabin when I was eight years old, thinking that I had nothing to figure out. But one day you wake up to find that you're ten years older. Your siblings are all married, and the house where you used to wake up every morning now belongs to a new family. The obvious question to ask is "What now?" How can I determine God's will for my life?
     As humans it's natural to want to know what the future has in store. I think, that the secret to making life interesting is being open to change. I need to learn to live life one day at a time, take chances and invest in God's Word so that when another ten years passes by I can look back and say that I've truly lived.
     This is why I'm taking the thought of moving across the country with a grain of salt. I want to be open to change because whether I like it or not, it's going to happen. I would much rather trust God going into this new chapter of my life than to regret not counting on the Lord at all. Yes it will be the first time that I will truly be apart from all of my siblings, but at the same time I'm trying to see it as a blessing. For me this is an opportunity to have a fresh start; to finally begin growing up on my own and finding out what it truly means to be Billie Jean. So as of today, right this moment, I'm going to count this as my first sentence in my new chapter. Whatever happens, I have faith that the ending will be one I won't expect. And to me, those are the best stories of all.